RIVERDALE is a church like no other. Planted in 1974 by a young Christian man named Joseph Hill, it blossomed into a glorious house of God. People from all over the land would come and worship at Riverdale, and it is said that the pre-service tea and cakes were simply divine. Riverdale was named so because the church is situated between a river and a dale. Sadly, over three decades on it’s now a church situated between a rock and a hard place. For although the church thrived and grew throughout the seventies and eighties, surviving three great pastors, it suffered a terrible fate in 1995. The year the vultures and snakes came…
A fallen Christian named Christian Love (ironic isn’t it?) managed to weasel his way into the leadership and ultimately brought the church to its knees. Suddenly adultery, thieving and gambling were commonplace as the congregation turned their backs on God to focus on their own everyday trials and tribulations. Sunday morning worship soon became Sunday evenings of drunken debauchery. But then as quickly as they arrived, the vultures and snakes fled to establish another church, now known as Old River (these people weren’t actually vultures or snakes by the way, just a bunch of evil idiots).
Then God called upon a great man named Peter Loftus to wade in and rescue Riverdale – take the reins and restore the church to its former glory. But thanks to the God-given power of free will, Peter said NO.
So God sent another man by the name of Greg Edwards to re-build the church and make it a beacon of Godly light once more – but sadly the rot had already set in. Greg was a mighty man of God, but he had the charisma of a panda bear on Morphine. So God continued to speak to (and pester) Peter Loftus about the task for which he had appointed him. Peter was a bit too liberal and free thinking, but God saw great things in Peter and would continue to work on him over the passage of time.
When Peter finally saw the light, Greg was quickly ‘despatched’ to be with the Lord in Heaven so that Peter could fill his boots and complete his appointed task. And what a task. The church was a mess, and we’re not just talking about the state of the kitchen – which was a sight to behold. Many of the inhabitants were ‘damaged’ and one local man described Riverdale as ‘a wretched hive of scum and villainy’.
When Peter saw what he had inherited he went postal, and kicked the filing cabinet (which doubled up as a den for the mice).
“These people are weak. They couldn’t lead a dog to water, let alone a horse!” he screamed.
“The weak shall lead the strong” was God’s reply.
So without question, Peter picked up the baton of leadership and set about his business…