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ABOUT US

“Judgemental. Hypocritical. Homophobic. Bible bashers. Tragic dress sense. No sense of humour. Believer in Fairytales.”

Christians have been accused of all this and more over the years… which is a trifle judgemental in itself, but we’re not here to judge… We’re here to dispel all those myths. Well, maybe not the dress sense thing. Our worship leader sports a sweater that would make Noel Edmonds weep.

It’s true, some Christians are nutters. Some football fans are racist thugs. Some gingers go up in flames when you stick them in the sun. But not all.

The human race is imperfect, and that’s what makes us human. God gave us free will, so if a Christian acts like a prat it’s not because he’s a Christian, it’s because he’s a human.

The Riverdale motto is this; “Treat others as you wish to be treated” which is basically a steal from the Bible, but if everyone just treated other people with kindness, compassion, and oodles of love then the world would undoubtedly be a better place.

WHAT DO WE DO?

We chat, sing songs, pray, drink coffee, and eat cake. Sometimes we do the hokey pokey (if we’re really letting our hair down). Riverdale is primarily a Christian church. Although we do hire out the hall five nights a week for Slimming World (Monday), dog training (Tuesday), bingo (Wednesday), AA meetings (Thursday), RAC and Green Flag meetings (alternate each Friday).

WHEN DO WE DO IT?

Sunday mornings.

  • 10:30am – Kick off with tea, coffee, and cake.
  • 11:00am – The worship band drown out the small talk with their “everyone stop talking and sit down” song.
  • 11:05am – Pastor Peter invites an unsuspecting member of the congregation to read the notices and announcements.
  • 11:15am – Happy clappy worship time!
  • 11:45am – The speaker takes to the pulpit to deliver his or her sermon*.
    Yes, women are allowed to speak. This isn’t Old Testament days! 
  • 12:30pm – You’re free to leave. Well, you’re free to leave at anytime, but now you’re free to leave without being frowned upon.

Peter occasionally spouts some “colourful” langue during his sermons. It keeps the congregation on their toes. Last week he dropped the “F” bomb, but only for shock/comedic effect. At least that’s what he told his bosses at Riverdale HQ.

*As a rule we keep the sermon down to 45 minutes. This harks back to the days when Riverdale recorded the sermons on a C90 cassette.

WHO’S WELCOME?

Everyone is welcome. Having said that… if you’re a convicted killer who’s just escaped from a maximum security prison then we might chain you to a radiator until the police arrive… but we won’t turf you out. It doesn’t matter if you’re gay, straight, pan, bi, trans, foreign, or Kanye West. You’re welcome at Riverdale Church.

Seriously, if Zombie Hitler shuffled in sporting an Iron Maiden t-shirt we’d fetch him a chair and ask if he wanted a tea or coffee. We’re that liberal.

WHAT DO WE BELIEVE?

First and foremost, Jesus is the epicentre of our worship. Even if you don’t subscribe to this belief, you must agree that he was an all round good egg. You might disagree with certain passages in the Old Testament and even the actions of many people who proclaim to be Christian, but you really can’t argue with stuff Jesus said. It was all bang on the money. The world would be a better place if everyone followed his teachings, and that’s just hardcore fact. Sadly, most people don’t (including Christians) so that’s why the world is so screwed up in the head.

Tea & coffee
After scores of complaints it has been decided that all church members currently on the tea and coffee rota will be requested to partake in an intensive ‘tea and coffee making’ training day. This situation has arisen since numerous people have complained about their tea or coffee being too weak or too strong, sugar being contaminated by coffee granules, lipstick marks on coffee cups, fire-ants found nestling in the sugar jar - that kind of thing. Some of you may recall an incident last week when Phil Copper threw a carton of milk over Jonathan Skimpy. This had nothing to do with Jonathan kicking Phil’s dog (that incident has since been resolved) this incident arose simply because Jonathan didn’t like the way Phil pours milk into the cup prior to the hot water - he prefers it the other way round. The training is really designed to give people a better understanding of other people’s personal needs.
Football shindigs
The weekly Riverdale football matches are being shifted from Saturday mornings to Monday evenings for reasons that I shall attempt to make clear: I’ve noticed a lot of you turning up to church on a Sunday morning sporting heinous football related injuries sustained the previous day. Everything from dislocated fingers, swollen ankles and stud marks in the groin. I’m hoping that the move to Monday nights will at least allow time for injuries to heal before the next church meeting – or that people will be less boisterous if they have work the following day.
Shouting out in church
In the past few weeks I’ve noticed quite a disturbing trend of people shouting out random Bible passages during my sermons. When I say random, here’s an example: I’m preaching on forgiveness and someone suddenly blurts out “She is to bring two doves or two young pigeons, one for a burnt offering and the other for a sin offering!” ... which I thought was a little bit odd. Then there was - “As he cursed, Shimei said, “Get out, get out, you man of blood, you scoundrel! “ which disturbed my train of thought slightly... Oh, and lest we forget the classic – “If only you were to me like a brother, who was nursed at my mother’s breasts! Then, if I found you outside, I would kiss you, and no one would despise me.” So... just to sum up – If you feel that you have a word for a member of the congregation please either run it past me first... wait until a convenient quiet moment at the end of the service – or, in an ideal world... please keep it to yourself.
COPYRIGHT 2016 RIVERDALE CHURCH