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My boss is mental and it’s starting to drive me freaking nuts! Why are all bosses complete power-crazed, anal nut jobs? The other day I was called into the office for being 4 minutes late! It doesn’t matter when I put in 2 hours unpaid overtime – at times like that I’m invisible to him. But arrive a few minutes late and POW! he pounces, and hauls me over the coals. He also has this annoying habit of leaving sarcastic, condescending notes on my desk. If I happen to leave a window open he writes “window left open :-(‘ Sometimes he doesn’t even enlighten me as to what I’ve done wrong he just draws a sad smiley 🙁 on a post-it note and sticks it to my monitor. So you know what I did? I took every post-it note he’s ever left me and wallpapered his office over the weekend.
Jeff Wood, Harrow
I’m sure your statement has been noted, but I fear the only thing you’ll find on your desk come Monday is your P45 🙁 Maybe next time take advice BEFORE you act.
A friend of mine is trying to convert me to the ways of Christianity, and mentioned that Jesus loves me. My initial reaction was ‘Yay!’ It made me feel fuzzy, warm inside and rather darn special. She had me on the brink of conversion, but then went and ruined everything by mentioning that Jesus also loves the lowlifes who broke into my house last night and stole my stuff. They took my entire collection of Amazing Spider-Man comics and Agnes, my Mac laptop. The dog and the wife are also missing, but I think this is merely coincidence as we had a bit of a barney over the weekend RE: taping over our wedding video with the Doctor Who Christmas Special. Anyhoo, my Christian friend then informed me that Jesus also loves estate agents and those people from call centres who can’t speak a word of English, yet they try and sell me home contents insurance just as I’m settling down to watch EastEnders (ironically, had I opted for home contents insurance I wouldn’t have to remortgage my house to replace my Spider-Man comics).
So in summery, I no longer feel special. In fact I feel dirty inside.
Charlie Taylor, London
I can assure you, Charlie, that had you been the soul human being in existence Jesus would have still laid his life down for you. You’re special because you were given life, and chosen to live as a human being. You could have been a flea, a snake or a wasp – but you’re a living, breathing human being. Woo!
I hate cats. I hate them! I’m sure they indulge in bizarre satanic rituals in my back garden. Last week they left a headless toad in the middle of the lawn, and their nasty, stinky mess is everywhere! On Sunday I skipped church as I wanted to spend the day doing my Sudoku, watching the Grand Prix, and polishing off a bottle of Pinot Grigio. Instead, I’m forced to spend the day clearing up their damn mess! So I say kill them! Kill them all!
Toby Mulimba, Broxbourne
I read an article in the paper about cats going missing in your estate, so I’m really sorry but I’ve had no choice but to hand your details over to the police. I’m sure there will be a knock at the door in due course. If you plead insanity then I’m sure the worst they can do is section you for a few months.
My pastor is always late for our coffee meetings. Sometimes up to 45 minutes late! In fact, if I was to add up the times of his late arrivals they would amount to a staggering 7 hours and 56 minutes. Yes, I have been keeping a detailed account of his shortcomings. So my question to you is what should I do? How could I redress the balance? I’m a control freak, and that’s pretty much a full working day I’ve wasted just waiting around for someone who can’t get their act together. I actually can’t sleep at night thinking about what I could have done in that time! Maybe I could handcuff him to a park bench for 8 hours? Let him know what it’s like to waste a day. Mind you, I expect it’ll be for more than 8 hours if I arrange to meet him in the park and he’s late!
James White, London
If you want to waste more time in a court of law (and possibly a spell in jail) by committing false imprisonment then you go ahead and do that. However, my advice to you would be to draw a line beneath this, put it down to experience and perhaps next time you arrange a time just turn up 30 minutes late yourself so you’re not hanging around for so long.
I recently had an argument with my pastor, where I called him ‘silly’ and now I’m full of both shame and remorse. This ‘red mist’ just came over me and my foul temper got the better of me – I even threw a paper cup onto the floor! The cup was empty, but that’s not the point. I can’t explain my actions, nor do I condone them. Now I can’t even look my pastor in the eye without feeling ashamed of myself. What’s the next step for me? Can I ever go back to church?
Ruben Cooper, Ware
Spit your dummy out, apologise to your pastor for your ‘tantrum’ and move on.
What’s the etiquette for praying for a member of the opposite sex? Only a young girl at church has asked me to pray for stabbing pains in her chest and I want to know if it would be uncouth of me to lay my hands on the affected area?
Tom Letts, Harlow
I’d say it’s probably best if you don’t touch her at all. Even touching the shoulder is a grey area as you might catch her bra strap. If you’re not careful sunshine you could find yourself being disciplined by your pastor, or getting a swift beating from the girl’s father. Take a lady with you or ask a female to take your place.
You’re treading on thin ice.
My pastor is a nice enough guy, but has a phobia of public speaking – which is obviously quite a stronghold for him. It’s such an issue that he takes his microphone into a side room and conducts his sermons from there. He’s not limited to the side room though – sometimes he preaches from the kitchen, the toilet, or weather permitting, the car park. It’s a little weird at times, hearing his voice but having no-one in the room to look at… but the goldfish tank he installed last week is a godsend! Now we just watch them swimming around. Anyhoo, what advice would you give to a pastor who’s scared to face his congregation? He’s tried preaching from the front a few times but he just looks like a scared virgin – all anxious, shaky and fidgety. I did suggest the old ‘imagine everyone’s naked’ thing but he felt this was inappropriate
Larry Winter, Stratford-Upon-Avon
I would suggest that your pastor tries preaching from the rear of the church – but still have the congregation facing the goldfish tank at the front. That way he can get used to speaking in the same room, and then gradually worm his way to the front. I find it easier preaching to large crowds, when I can’t see the whites of a person’s eye. Your pastor could even try wearing a mask, or hiding behind the curtains, or have the congregation wear fancy dress costumes to lighten the mood a little?
A girl at church has caught my eye, and if I’m honest I quite fancy her. The problem is that I’m no oil painting and there is no way in the world that she would be interested in someone like me. Despite this hurdle, one day I became deluded and casually asked her for her e-mail address, believing that she liked me enough to just be friends without any kind of physical contact. After a couple of months of her telling me that she ‘couldn’t remember’ her e-mail address offhand, I found it in her purse and started bombarding her with messages. They weren’t sordid, rude or confrontational – just general chit-chat about day-to-day stuff like despair, paranoia and solitude. I know that she still checks her e-mails as friends have told me that she usually mails them every week, but she never replies to mine and I’m quite troubled by this. What should I do?
Mark Smith, Hoddesdon
Maybe you came on too strong? Girls can smell desperation and quite frankly, they don’t like it. If I were you I’d just retreat while you still have some dignity.
I recently lent a friend from church my copy of 24 : Season 7 – and he returned it two months later, despite me telling him that I’d like it returned within 10 working days. To make matters worse, upon closer inspection I noticed that there was some superficial damage to the box, and one of the discs was badly scratched. When I confronted my unnamed friend about this he just joked that one of his children had used it as a Frisbee! I’ve not spoken to my friend since this exchange of words as I feel anger in my heart toward him. My pastor has told me not to judge my brother in Christ too harshly, and to forgive him – but to be honest I just want to give him a darn good hiding. What would you advise me to do?
Andrew Manning, Dorset
Your pastor has already answered your question. Maybe your unnamed friend has a few mental issues that need addressing? Just let it go – but be cautious of lending him anymore of your stuff.