A friend of mine is trying to convert me to the ways of Christianity, and mentioned that Jesus loves me. My initial reaction was ‘Yay!’ It made me feel fuzzy, warm inside and rather darn special. She had me on the brink of conversion, but then went and ruined everything by mentioning that Jesus also loves the lowlifes who broke into my house last night and stole my stuff. They took my entire collection of Amazing Spider-Man comics and Agnes, my Mac laptop. The dog and the wife are also missing, but I think this is merely coincidence as we had a bit of a barney over the weekend RE: taping over our wedding video with the Doctor Who Christmas Special. Anyhoo, my Christian friend then informed me that Jesus also loves estate agents and those people from call centres who can’t speak a word of English, yet they try and sell me home contents insurance just as I’m settling down to watch EastEnders (ironically, had I opted for home contents insurance I wouldn’t have to remortgage my house to replace my Spider-Man comics).
So in summery, I no longer feel special. In fact I feel dirty inside.
Charlie Taylor, London
I can assure you, Charlie, that had you been the soul human being in existence Jesus would have still laid his life down for you. You’re special because you were given life, and chosen to live as a human being. You could have been a flea, a snake or a wasp – but you’re a living, breathing human being. Woo!