I hate cats. I hate them! I’m sure they indulge in bizarre satanic rituals in my back garden. Last week they left a headless toad in the middle of the lawn, and their nasty, stinky mess is everywhere! On Sunday I skipped church as I wanted to spend the day doing my Sudoku, watching the Grand Prix, and polishing off a bottle of Pinot Grigio. Instead, I’m forced to spend the day clearing up their damn mess! So I say kill them! Kill them all!
Toby Mulimba, Broxbourne
I read an article in the paper about cats going missing in your estate, so I’m really sorry but I’ve had no choice but to hand your details over to the police. I’m sure there will be a knock at the door in due course. If you plead insanity then I’m sure the worst they can do is section you for a few months.