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A thief in the light
What with the recent spate of thefts within the church (teaspoons, coffee mugs, the PA system) it may be advisable to leave your mp3 players, iPhones and laptops at home until the culprit is apprehended – or at least keep them concealed in a hold all (they’re at risk too by the way). I know that a lot of you like to take advantage of the church’s Wi-Fi hotspot during the sermons, but it’s best to suspend this practice for the time being. Just last Sunday Jonathan Skimpy came up for prayer about his virtual addiction only to find that his MacBook Air had vanished (into thin air) upon his return to his seat.
Faith off
Forgive the mix-up surrounding the four guest speakers last week. I met them at a multi-faith conference last summer and invited them along to speak at our church. Though at the time I failed to ascertain their religious beliefs. I can assure you I had no idea they were sympathizers for the Celtic Pagan persuasion. Some of you looked slightly befuddled and uncomfortable, but it would have been uncouth of me to step in and ask them to leave. Although two members of our church were quite taken by them and have decided to follow the Pagan pathway. May God be with them.
The Three Pastors
If you decide to show your face at church next Sunday you’ll be forgiven for thinking you’ve entered a time warp. Don’t worry – you haven’t. Your modes of transport haven’t propelled you into an alternative reality either! Former Riverdale pastors Jim Smithers and Roland Rivers will be dropping by as guest speakers to tell us about life after Riverdale. It’ll be like The Three Doctors, but minus the Daleks! Their stories are likely to be akin to chalk and cheese; Jim is now a pastor of a much bigger, nicer church and Roland has totally backslidden and just served four years for tax evasion. Hopefully the experience won’t be too taxing for him!
Old river, new day
Following last weeks visit to pets corner, I’m hoping that a group of us can gather down at the Old River cemetery next Saturday night. We can just slope around the place – pray, sing, dance, etc. See if we can raise any dead people or bust a cap in some demon ass. Please bring torches, a warm fleece and some snacks (munchies).
Inappropriate hugging
I’m going to have to ask you to ‘curb your enthusiasm’ when greeting people at church. One individual hugged my wife last week and held the embrace for ten seconds – thus breaking the seven second hug rule. As a result of this I’m going to have to curb the hugging at five seconds. So next time you hug someone in church please count to five inside your head and then release! I shouldn’t have to remind anyone about the incident last year involving Jonathan Skimpy and Melanie Stokes – that 15 second hug almost ended in bloodshed in the church car park.
Creature features
I’ve had lots of reports of a ‘weird creature’ that has been seen stalking the church late at night – most notably just after the mid-week Bible study group (on Wednesdays). I’ve yet to witness this beast, so I’m not sure if a few of you have got together in an attempt to yank my chain. Judging by the reports I’ve received, it is approx 12-inches tall and resembles a bird, but has scales like a fish. It also has a messy crop of red hair and a small horn emanating from its forehead – much like a unicorn. The authorities won’t be notified until I have seen this being for myself, but if you could keep your eyes peeled for the little freak it would be greatly appreciated!
Prayer request
Please pray for my friend, Larry. He called me round his house at 12am last night to tell me that he fancies my wife – so he obviously needs to sort himself out. He’s currently in intensive care after being found in a skip at 6am this morning by a man walking his dog. He’d been beaten to a bloody pulp by an unknown assailant. The incidents are not related.
Toned Out
As any of you who have been educated at even the most basic level are already aware – money does not grow on trees. Some of you who are ‘in the loop’ may also be aware that church finances have taken a bit of a plummet/nosedive in recent months. Therefore please be mindful when doing copious amounts of photocopying in the office – primarily for personal amusement. Just last month £950 worth of paper and toner was consumed. So if people could please deposit 10 pence in the slot for each copy, I believe that will make adequate recompense.
All Croaked Up
Apologies in advance if my sermon is a tad croaky next Sunday. I’m attending the Last Night of the Proms on Saturday night and didn’t have the foresight for anyone else to fill my boots on Sunday morning. Last time I came back from the aforementioned event my larynx was in tatters for nigh on two weeks. I was screaming like a banshee for hours!
Help Wanted
We’re looking for a few more people to help out with Sunday school. I’ve had to ask Iffy Ian to step down in this area while I go through the police records that were slipped beneath my door late on Monday night. I’m really just checking the validity of the allegations, so could whoever posted them please give me a discreet ‘nod’ and maybe we can get to the bottom of this. If there is any truth in them whatsoever then it’s quite clear how he earned the nickname ‘Iffy’.
The Birthday Gift
Most of you know Janet (anxious looking lady with the bulging big eyes). Well, her husband was alarmed to discover that his car had been stolen yesterday morning. Sadly his car wasn’t (alarmed). I’m thinking it’d be a good idea if we (the church) could buy this chap a new car for his birthday! There’s not a chance of him getting the old one back as it was found in a nearby ditch, burnt to cinders. Claiming insurance may also prove tricky as it wasn’t insured – the guy’s an East End thug so he doesn’t appear to be bound by a conscience or the same legal constraints as the rest of us.
Big Ken is Not Dead
Apologies to everyone who received the latest church newsletter via snail mail. I made a total pig’s ear of it. It transpires that the only surviving original member of Riverdale Church is NOT dead as the letter promised – Big Ken is very much alive and will be celebrating his 96th birthday next Friday (God willing). Sadly, his pet CAT (also named Ken) IS DEAD. Hence the confusion… Sorry! My bad.
The Kiwi Speaker
Barry Norman (not the film critic) will be preaching at Riverdale later next month. He’s coming all the way from New Zealand so it would be glorious if you could take a break from the car boot sales that week! Please note that Barry is from New Zealand, NOT Australia – and I’ve heard through the grapevine that he finds it extremely offensive when people ask him what part of Australia he comes from. As a footnote I also have a request which may strike you as odd. Could we please ensure that we have an even number of people sitting on both sides of the church? Barry suffers from OCD and has panic attacks when faced with uneven numbers.
The Quiz Master
Don’t forget that our annual quiz night takes place next Saturday @7pm. You’ll all be delighted to hear that Dodgy Dave won’t be reprising his role as the Quiz Master after the upset and extreme offence caused at the last event. This time the questions will be general knowledge based, and include music, sport, film and television – personal attacks on individuals within the church have been ruled out. So questions like ‘Which member of Riverdale Church was jailed for 30 days in 2005 for trespassing and public affray?’ and ‘Which member of Riverdale Church is a secret gay?’ won’t be making another appearance. So both Phil Copper and Lewis Walker can remain calm this year! Personal stuff you’ve shared with me over coffee and cake won’t make it into a public forum!
Church Attire
Could I please ask you to take a quick glance in the mirror before leaving for church on a Sunday morning and ask yourself this question… “Am I dressed appropriately for the House of God?” The reason for this unusual request is that I’ve been forced to have words with a couple of folk who have turned up for church in some rather inappropriate attire. Nobody expects you to don your best suit and tie, dinner gown, or even tuck your shirt in. Smart/casual is totally acceptable – heck, we’ll even let you in wearing Reebok sneakers! It’s really the t-shirts bearing slogans that have raised a few eyebrows. I don’t have a problem with stuff like Jesus built my Hot rod – or JESUS SAVES… passes to Moses, shoots, scores! – I’m really talking about the rather coarse, upsetting slogans I’ve been seeing in recent weeks like – Trust me I’m a virgin…. Show me your hooters, and the eye-popping… Cover me in chocolate and throw me to the lesbians.
Let there be light switches!
I’m going to have to ask people to be mindful of turning off the lights in the church building when not in use. Only I received the electricity bill in the post this morning and almost blasphemed for the first time in six months! I know there’s not really a call for the lights to be used on a Sunday morning, so this is really directed at the evening worship groups and the fat people who use the building on a Wednesday night for their roly poly dances. I’ve turned up on countless Thursday mornings to find every light in the building switched on – and damp patches all over the carpet! I’m not so concerned by the dampness, as I guess you guys sweat a lot, but please be a little more switched on about switching off, eh? Hopefully this will help you see the light!
Mobile phones in church
I’m all for modern technology. Heck, my mobile phone even takes pictures! But could I PLEASE BEG people to STOP sending text messages to each other during the sermons. I’ve noticed a lot of sly exchanges in recent weeks, including wry smiles, stifled giggles and shared looks of disgust. I really don’t want to know about the content of these messages, I’d just like them to cease while people are preaching – it can be rather distracting!
Prayer request
Name: Dominic Miller
RE: Untimely demise
There’s a girl at work who I think is hot stuff. In fact I’ve asked her out several times to no avail. The only hurdle standing in my way is her boyfriend, who, by all accounts is a bit of a plank. I’m not sure about the ethics of this, but could people please pray that he is killed by a plague of locusts or something? If the locust thing doesn’t sit well with you then maybe a swarm of bees – or a pack of wolves?
RE: Untimely demise
There’s a girl at work who I think is hot stuff. In fact I’ve asked her out several times to no avail. The only hurdle standing in my way is her boyfriend, who, by all accounts is a bit of a plank. I’m not sure about the ethics of this, but could people please pray that he is killed by a plague of locusts or something? If the locust thing doesn’t sit well with you then maybe a swarm of bees – or a pack of wolves?
Inter-church relations
Could people please be mindful of entering into relationships which other members of the congregation? There’s been five occasions in recent months where I’ve had to mop up the emotional spillage left behind. The six people involved are now avoiding each other and this creates havoc when I’m trying to type up the monthly tea and coffee rota. I’m not forbidding people in the church to shack up with each other, just to be weary of the impending fall out, tears and repercussions. Thanks!
On a roll
Please, whoever changes the toilet roll in the gents – please stop. I just don’t understand how anyone can insert the roll with the next sheet to be dispensed facing the wall?? It should be facing the sitter, not the wall. I don’t care who the perpetrator is – just please leave it to the cleaner, who is qualified and paid good money to carry out such tasks.
In the Dog House
Rita and Lionel’s house group is being staged as per usual, but please remember they now have a dog.
By all accounts it’s “a bit of a handful” and can chew through its muzzle in 1 hour 45 minutes. So you may want to give the group a wide berth… or leave after 1 hour 30 minutes to air on the side of caution.
Stan Morgan’s Bible Study Group
In the wake of Stan Morgan’s wake (which should be finished by around 7pm) his Bible study group will kick off at the slightly later time of 8pm. We’ve decided to continue with his group, despite the fact that he will no longer be able to hold command. So Stan Morgan’s Bible Study Group will still be Stan Morgan’s Bible Study Group. It’s been done on television before (see Taggart) so it should translate well to a Christian house group.
Prayer scrum
How many Christians does it take to pray for a man with a strained calf muscle? Umm… 32 it seems. At least that was the case on Sunday morning when I witnessed a crowd of you hunched over Joe Copdock, over-zealously praying and screaming feverishly in tongues. At first I just assumed it was a rugby scrum, but after a head count realised too many bodies were involved. Meanwhile… at the back of the church… Martha Brown is having convulsions and panic attacks and nobody batters an eyelid – let alone lays hands on her! And guess what? It transpires that because Joe Copdock is the best striker of Riverdale’s football team… you all figured we don’t have a cat in hell’s chance of winning the next big match unless he is healed from injury. Whereas poor old Martha is pretty much redundant as her only contribution to the church are her home-baked scones on a Sunday morning – most of which are used as paperweights or door stops. Maybe next time spread the love, eh?
Shouting out in church
In the past few weeks I’ve noticed quite a disturbing trend of people shouting out random Bible passages during my sermons. When I say random, here’s an example: I’m preaching on forgiveness and someone suddenly blurts out “She is to bring two doves or two young pigeons, one for a burnt offering and the other for a sin offering!” … which I thought was a little bit odd. Then there was – “As he cursed, Shimei said, “Get out, get out, you man of blood, you scoundrel! “ which disturbed my train of thought slightly… Oh, and lest we forget the classic – “If only you were to me like a brother, who was nursed at my mother’s breasts! Then, if I found you outside, I would kiss you, and no one would despise me.” So… just to sum up – If you feel that you have a word for a member of the congregation please either run it past me first… wait until a convenient quiet moment at the end of the service – or, in an ideal world… please keep it to yourself.
Football Shindigs
The weekly Riverdale football matches are being shifted from Saturday mornings to Monday evenings for reasons that I shall attempt to make clear: I’ve noticed a lot of you turning up to church on a Sunday morning sporting heinous football related injuries sustained the previous day. Everything from dislocated fingers, swollen ankles and stud marks in the groin. I’m hoping that the move to Monday nights will at least allow time for injuries to heal before the next church meeting – or that people will be less boisterous if they have work the following day.
Tea & coffee
After scores of complaints it has been decided that all church members currently on the tea and coffee rota will be requested to partake in an intensive ‘tea and coffee making’ training day. This situation has arisen since numerous people have complained about their tea or coffee being too weak or too strong, sugar being contaminated by coffee granules, lipstick marks on coffee cups, fire-ants found nestling in the sugar jar – that kind of thing. Some of you may recall an incident last week when Phil Copper threw a carton of milk over Jonathan Skimpy. This had nothing to do with Jonathan kicking Phil’s dog (that incident has since been resolved) this incident arose simply because Jonathan didn’t like the way Phil pours milk into the cup prior to the hot water – he prefers it the other way round. The training is really designed to give people a better understanding of other people’s personal needs.
Prayer Walk
For anyone brave enough, a small group of us will be walking the streets of Stratford at 11pm Friday night to pray for the lost. For those who are busy that night could I please ask you to pray for the Lord’s protection on those of us taking part in the walk. If you are coming along please bring a sharp instrument or a piece of lead piping – just in case things get ugly.
Larry Gordon
Riverdale’s guest speaker Larry Gordon has postponed his upcoming sermon this Sunday on ‘committing your entire life to Jesus’ until late March due to a string of personal, non-church related commitments that must be kept. As you know, Larry also pulled out of last weeks prophetic meeting because a fellow ‘prophet informer’ tipped him off about a really bad bout of hay fever that he’d suffer during the meeting. Sadly, it transpires that the hay fever didn’t materialise, so the reputation of his ‘snout’ is now in ruins. It doesn’t take a prophet to tell you he won’t be using him again! He’s a charlatan!
Prayer etiquette
Could the men of the church please note that it is not deemed appropriate to touch a lady on the backside during prayer. I shouldn’t need to mention the other areas out of bounds as they’ve all been touched upon in recent meetings (quite literally). Please be aware that failure to adhere to these rules may result in criminal proceedings being taken against you.
Tithing Etiquette
Following an altercation in church last week, I must stress that taking change from the tithing box is not really the done thing. If you want to give £3 and only have a £20 note I’d rather you waited until you had the appropriate change.
The Abominable Fox
Would whoever left a stuffed fox in the church creche please remove it within the next week, otherwise I’ll have no option but to toss the blighter in the skip. I wouldn’t mind if it was cute, but this fox was clearly the victim of a road traffic accident – and looks like it’s just limped out of the laboratory of the Abominable Dr Phibes. The children are clearly terrified of the creature, and I’ve had scores of complaints. If it was intended as a children’s plaything then I appreciate the thought, but the gesture has clearly backfired. I really don’t care who put it there, I just want it removed, … like yesterday – no questions asked!
