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THE ALPHA MAN

From: Jonah Jones To: Peter Loftus Sent: Friday, April 9, 20:16 Subject: Welcome, Peter the Shepherd! Dear Peter May I be the first to welcome you to Riverdale Church. I’m delighted that God has finally blessed us with a half-decent pastor, after what feels like an eon. I’m close to wetting my pants with excitement. May we hold you close to our spiritual bosom! My name is Jonah J. Jones and I would like to offer my services as your new Assistant Pastor. I’m aware that the previous inhabitant of this position has been excommunicated for worshipping false goat idols and his long-term cocaine habit. He was a nice enough guy, but he had to fall on his blood-stained ceremonial dagger sooner or later. Kudos to you for sacrificing him. As scripture says, you reap what you sow. So when do you expect to darken my door with a pastoral visit? We can then discuss money, responsibilities, and my official title. I understand that the previous title was ‘Shadow Pastor’ but I really don’t like this term as it conjures up ghastly images of shadow and darkness in my mind. I’d be the obvious replacement. I’m efficient, and my time keeping is exemplary. In fact I’m always the first person in church on a Sunday morning – and the last to leave! I’m also the first to stand for worship and the last to sit down again. Sadistically (sic) a chap named Jonathan Skimpy is the last to arrive – along with Mr Bodmin, who usually sits at the back of the church reading the Daily Mail with a face like thunder. As a rule they both arrive together, puffing and panting like dogs. I’m not sure what’s going on there. Anyhoo, I’m sure you’ll meet a few characters along your pastoral pathway, so maybe you’ll consider uprooting a few more weeds as and when you stumble across them. Just keep an eye on the first arrivals, the first to come up for prayer and the first to offer their services when the darkness falls. For when day turns to night – the last to offer their assistance will surely be the first to make a bolt for the door.

Jonah Jones
What they call him behind his back: Judgemental Jonah. Occupation: Judging others. Background: Jonah had ‘religion’ drummed into him from an early age. At the age of five his mother told him that he would go to hell if he didn’t go to church, say his prayers, sing in the choir or read the Bible aloud on a daily basis – but this appeared to backfire when, at the age of 17, Jonah backslid (fell away) from the church after growing tired of religiosity and Anglican tradition. Some years later, as the world grew darker, a record in the hit parade begged the question ‘Where is the Love?’ and after a lot of soul searching this ultimately led Jonah back to the church – but not the same Old Testament God that his mother had told him to fear as a child. Jonah now saw God more as a loving father, as opposed to an angry, vengeful God who would strike him down if he so much as looked at someone weirdly. His childhood experiences may have left him with a few emotional scars and mother issues, but Jonah is now so committed to the church and focused on righting the wrongs of the world that he can’t see the fundamental failings in his own life – but let’s not judge the poor man too harshly, eh? Secret shame: Jonah has a few ‘gambling issues’ that he picked up during his wilderness years – he doesn’t think anything of putting a few grand on the horses, dabbling with online casinos at ungodly hours, or feverishly partaking in the mid-week Lotto. Finest hour: The day he won £10 on the Lotto – he’s lost £10,000 on it over the past 12 years, but this really doesn’t seem to bother him!
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