From: Jonah Jones To: Peter Loftus Sent: Monday, April 12, 17:32 Subject: Important issues to address Hi Peter, Now that you’ve been our pastor for three days I have a few things that you’d be wise to nip in the bud… 1. The guy on the sound desk is an idiot and he must be punished. a) The sound levels are a mess during worship. There’s too much bass on the guitar and the worship leader sounds like Larry the Lamb with a bucket over his head – singing in the bathroom. b) He fails to control the children around the sound desk. Seriously, the next time that fat headed kid goes near the cables he’s going out of the window. Does he know how much that system cost?? c) It’s part of the sound man’s job to ensure the lyrics of the songs are displayed on the far wall, so that people can sing-along if they don’t know the words (to songs we’ve been singing for five years). Does he fall asleep? Is he drunk? I don’t know. What I do know is that a short-sighted monkey could perform the task better than Clarence the cross-eyed lion. 2. Is it appropriate for the worship leader to be wearing a t-shirt bearing the slogan – Aliens : The bitch is back ??? 3. What is it with these people at church who persist in rolling around on the floor shouting and screaming out stuff? I find it both unsettling and disturbing. Sometimes it unnerves me so much that I take refuge in the toilet until it all blows over. What’s all this about? I’ve glanced through the Bible and I can’t see anything about making a racket like that. I’m guessing they’re faking it to get some attention? If you could tell folk to BUTTON IT during prayer time I would be eternally grateful. 4. Jonathan Skimpy and Mr Bodmin :: Get rid of them.